When did this all happen?

To blog or not to blog.... that is the question..... I'm told this is cheaper than therapy so I should give it a try...

Where to start.....

I woke up one morning with the perfect life. Nothing is wrong. Everything is great. Great job, great family.... lots of stuff... What have I turned into? I look the other way at the street corners because seeing people begging gives me a hollow feeling in my gut. I used to hate watching the news coz it was all just violence but now I watch it all the time. I see people dying everyday and it sickens me... because I have... lots of stuff.

I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to pretend that my country is just fine coz its not. I dont want to pretend I'm happy coz I'm not. The stuff I have is great... its what people want but its just that. Why do I have it? Why have I worked so hard for stuff. I get these forwarded emails about mass genocide and people starving to death and I delete them coz I dont want to see the truth....

I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for this. This normal life where everything is great. I want more, I want to do something.. My friends say join a charity. This a phase. It will pass. It does and then it comes back. This nagging feeling that my life as it is, is not what I should be doing. A soup kitchen down the road is not going to change the world...

I look at everyone at work... the biggest drama is the Director's personal assistant is wearing a really short skirt... WTF? I'm sick of this... this denial that we're all caught up in. We live in AFRICA. People are dying!!! Does no one see this?

Does no one see this country is falling apart? Am I the only one who cant sleep coz I feel like I'm betraying the millions of people who need help?

I dont know how I got here. I just woke up one morning and everything changed... and one thing just keeps drumming through my head.. Evil thrives when good people do nothing... and right now I'm doing nothing....

Comments

graycladunits said…
well, i have had the same feeling, i am 25, i live in the US and the first thing you will need to admit is that you will never solve all the world's problems regardless of what you do, but you can and should do something...your expressed beliefs from the post lead me to think that you could easily be a member of or join a proactive group of Buddhists or evangelical Christians in order to do some social work....do not blame yourself for owming posessions if you have gained them through honest work...this is where a lumpy Pentecostal breaks w/ Buddhism...cool avatar,
November 24, 2008 at 2:45 PM
Fuzzy Lojic said…
Creepy that you're picking up religious beliefs, graycladunits :) I thought I tactfully omitted anything from my christian beliefs. Truth be told as a ministers daughter I think I grew up with extreme expectations about life and what I should be achieving. I also grew up very naive and feeling that everyone is all warm and fuzzy on the inside.. A very bad combination because now I wake up in shock at what the world is really like. I like your suggestion about joining a proactive group. Been there, done that and whilst I accept that I did change the lives of those around me, its just not enough of an impact. I dont want be extreme and join the army... yet....

So thats where I stand... I dont know what I'm going to do but I know I need something to fight for. And I have a weird feeling that if "I seek I shall find."
November 24, 2008 at 10:43 PM
graycladunits said…
profound response...i take you come from either an Anglican or Dutch Reformed Church background...the only way i could tell was from when you said "everyone is all warm and fuzzy"...that and SA cultural knowledge...such a belief about humanity is found in these two mainline denomination churches here in the US as well...for awhile i was a preacher's kid myself (as a child)...my Dad never entered full time ministry, but i know what that is like to a small extent...as for joining an army, i hope you are not thinking of becoming a revolutionary or mercenary...at least not in the military sense...think long and hard before going down that path, you don't wanna end up like Nick du Toit and Simon Mann...also, i think you have a mentality towards revolutionary change or a slower calculated form of change that might allow you to do missionary work or humanitarian work for a secular aid group...i gather this from the response too...lastly, i would like to say sorry if i scared you with my intuition in my first response, i am a Christian and i try not to cause trouble, sometimes i make mistakes
November 25, 2008 at 4:55 PM
Fuzzy Lojic said…
No need for apologies GCU. I'm very proud of my Christian beliefs I just didnt realise they were so obvious :D

I'm pretty far from Anglican or Dutch reform. I'd say closer to pentecostal and baptist. Here we're called full gospels or sometimes Bible believers... but I like the previous.

I dont see myself as a mercenary or revolutionary. I'm too much of a Techie :D Btw I am calculated or as most of my assessments say, a "strategist." You're very intuitive indeed. Quite refreshing as in my world everyone is so self absorbed that if you were dying in front of them they might not even notice... or worse call dibs on your desk...

Anyway, I think the path of the Simon Manns and Nick du Toits of this world is not for me... I wish it were that simple. And I wish I could do humanitarian work but I know that would kill me. At the risk of sounding like a softie.. I couldnt handle the pain of it. I remember reading this article about a photographer who took a picture of a kid dying of starvation.. there were vultures nearby waiting to eat him. The photographer left the country soon after and no one knows what happened to the boy but the guy killed himself after 3 months. Couldnt handle the depression. I know I'd be worse..
November 26, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Jeff ( Va. Rebel ) said…
Greetings from Virginia , USA -

Don't mean to interrupt yall but I did want to encourage you to heed that
"pull" you seem to be having to continue seeking that you might find understanding . I certainly wont encourage you to take a buddhist route though .

Yes , we were never promised that truth would be easy to digest , and especially hard it would seem to be if we as societies live far from reality at times . But Truth is just that - reality , and will be either embraced or spurned .

I was raised Pentecostal and have some inkling of where you come from . The stumbling blocks you will encounter , and must overcome , will make the treasure you seek that much sweeter upon acquisition . It will help you to find the peace you seek . Our God has these answers
( and the strength we'll require ) but we as His people have never truly sought Him , His will and Kingdom .

I'll get off my soap box now . Take care .
December 4, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Jeff ( Va. Rebel ) said…
... and I wish you well on your blog !
December 4, 2008 at 3:28 PM
Fuzzy Lojic said…
Thank you for you comments Jeff. Much much appreciated. They were very encouraging indeed. I feel like I have lost my way... and I truly believe that God has all the answers for me.

The only way to continue is to seek the destiny He wants me to have and accept the responsibility of fulfilling it.
December 5, 2008 at 6:46 AM
graycladunits said…
for the record, i was not promoting Buddhism, sorry if i scared you guys, my bad, i was speculating on fuzzy's faith out of curiosity...haha
December 7, 2008 at 7:02 PM
Fuzzy Lojic said…
Thanks for clearing that up GCU. I actually wondered if there was a buddhist lurking :P
December 8, 2008 at 12:22 AM
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