My Walk by Grace

I hate the taste of cigarettes, hate the smell.. hate everything to go with it.. yet I managed to pick up smoking in the last month.. I hate to say it.. its the isolation. I don't smoke with the pack, I step away. I break off. I look for the silence. I'm extroverted. But in that moment, I want the alone. I crave the solitude. The peace, just me and my thoughts. No one. Nothing else. A friend asked me why I was isolating myself and to be honest I hadn't noticed. But now. Its becoming a part of me. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know why I can't sleep at night. I'm acutely aware of being alone. But what irks me is my soul. It's restless. I can't still it. I asked for help and You gave me nothing. I'm searching for something.. to calm my storm. But this search is fruitless.. I did some self destructive things last year.. I just wanted to feel. But now I cant even consider it. Where am I going? What am I doing? The fuck I know...

I have tried... to accept this. This place You have put me in. This never ending season of still... This isolation, the alone. A friend said to me yesterday... anything you do in your own strength will just result in more pain and hurt. I thought I wasnt going to survive last year. And when I did I knew I would never survive another hurt like that. And here I am. Isolated. Stuck in the alone. To be surrounded by so many people, who claim to love me. To have so much and be so grateful. But to be so beyond alone... Is this it? Is this why I'm here. Why did You make me like this? Why are You isolating me? Where is the plan and purpose in this??? I cant even rebel again. What is this?? I want to self destruct and I cant even do that.... My God, why??? Why have you abandoned me????? Are my tears worth nothing. I need you to step into this. I cant do this alone... I dont have the heart for this.. .I feel like my soul is dying.. I need you. I'm done. I cant anymore. You wa

Its been such a rough few weeks. I have felt and seen God move in a way that I have never seen before. Recently went to a government hospital, to do an outreach. I saw the heart of God. I was so moved by what we were doing and seeing how much God loves and cares for people. It will forever be one of the most life defining moments of my life. I feel a calling on my life like never before. A calling to serve and be the hand of God. To love people and reach out to anyone and everyone who has a need. I never saw this side of me or God but it is truly so  beautiful. I feel so humbled, honored and grateful to be used in this manner and I just cant picture anything else more important to pursue in my life. But... and there's always a but... I am acutely aware that I have to pay the bills. I also have an unexplained amount of faith that I will be ok and God will provide. So now what. Well apparently, I need to be still and wait. Which is suuuuuch a struggle and I hate it. But I accep

So I had a person.. sit me down and tell me I don't look happy, I need to grow up, stop joking with everyone and basically stop being me.. I was shocked. I thought I was happy. Happier than I've ever been. Then I had someone look at me in shock when they heard someone else tell me to apply for a position that would be a promotion. This person has told me previously that I shouldn't apply because I would not get it. I have been trusting these people and basing my worth on them.. and it started eating at me. Last night, I went to gym and I was almost in tears. Feeling ugly, stupid, alone and fat. My trainer sat me done and said, "F*** them." They are not the measure of any standard. That stuck with me. Who are these people that I let speak into my spirit. Did they substantiate their words with scripture? Did God speak what they said into my soul? No. I am CHOSEN, LOVED, CALLED and EQUIPPED. I am a servant of God. Where He calls me, I will go. I don't c

So I dedicated this year to my walk with God. I want to read my Bible cover to cover, contribute financially consistently and just generally grow with God. No distractions, no partying, no dating. Just trying my best to live righteously and be who God wants me to be. So its Feb 12, and I got distracted sooooo badly. I was even angry at God. There's this person who just makes my soul smile and its become such an awkward painful relationship. He just ignores me. And I was mad at God for let me get into this situation. I messaged my friend, to complain, and whine, and just be a potato.. and she was so calm. She hit me with something profound. There's 3 ways out of a crush: 1. You pray for your feelings to be removed, and God takes them away; 2. You pray for God to reveal what he wants to you to do and it will be revealed; and 3. You just pine and pine and pine. So I looooove to just wallow in some good pining. Then I get frustrated that nothing is happening and I pray f

Recently I felt this song spoken into my heart. I have been a christian my entire life.. and it becomes very easy to forget or glaze over the sacrifice the Christ made... and the love of God to rescue us from our sin by sending His Son. I love this song because it speaks about soo much. So here's what hits me: How deep the Father's love for us How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure That God could love ME so greatly. I am so not worth it, a sinner, selfish and humanly flawed. That He looked down on me in mercy, even though I don't deserve that love because He knows every sin I will ever commit. And He still chose to save me. Not just save me, but send Jesus, a part of Him, His son that He loved so dearly, to suffer in my place. I look at my daughter and I think about how God must have felt knowing the pain Jesus would go through, loving Him so much but still releasing Him to do His will. How great the pain of seari