A lesson in gratitude..

I have led a sheltered life... Grew up socially stumped... My parents, to no fault of their own, were the product of a very conservative culture which led them to believe girls should stay at home.. cook and clean and hopefully one day meet a nice man who will take care of you for the rest of your life... my dad once told me the only time I would move out was when I died or got married... I was angry growing up.. and depressed in my teens.. always a outsider.. never knowing how to react to other people... generally alone..

I was never wanting for anything though... we were never rich.. but my dad made sure we never wanted for anything.. I guess thats why I had this weird idea of what gratitude was. I defined it based on how I felt giving to others. I looove to give. Random strangers, family, friends... I might be completely broke but if an opportunity came to bless someone I took it without regret. I love buying all the petrol attendants at garage coffee on a cold winter morning just because I can..

So there it becomes flawed.. I always felt that people must feel gratitude if they receive something that they NEED or something that they would never get for themselves.. I cant believe how naive that is.. I hit financial struggles for a bit... had to count my coins... and suddenly saw the light. Its tough giving when every cent is being counted. So when you do give your heart is in it.. you look to the receiver to know it was worth it. That once second of joy in their faces, the big smile, the thank you makes it pure heaven. How stupid I was when I was younger. I received a blouse once completely hideous and being a brat I did the mock "oh-its-so-nice". The givers face said it all.

So that's what I learned, having to give when I cant afford it: that when you receive, anything at all, you appreciate it. Appreciate the heart of the person that took a second to think of you. To make the effort. Its tough being a receiver and I often struggle with accepting things from people because I rationalize that I can afford to buy it. But that's not it at all. People need to give sometimes. You cant take that away from them. Its almost a glimpse into their hearts and the sweetest gesture in the world. But their way showing love. So that's it, give with and open heart and receive everything as the token of love it was meant to be.